Wednesday, December 14, 2011


Don't ask me why, but I am so ticked tonight. It is for a very silly reason, but it doesn't change the way I feel. Here goes: Bryant (SIX YEARS OLD) is NOT allowed on my computer for any reason whatsoever EVER. Even though every now and again, I do allow him a small bit of time to somewhat relieve his addictive self and play computer, but it is very rare. I can't be mean all the time right? But I constantly catch him oh, just "checking the time" "checking the weather" "checking the school lunch calendar" "changing the pandora station" and my favorite, playing music on the media player. Even though, every single day, I tell him that even just "checking" things is not allowed because somehow these things wind up messing up my computer or changing settings that I have no idea how to change.

And today was no exception. I heard signing time music streaming through the computer, which he is not allowed to do which he did anyways, which should not even require the internet, and yet somehow when I sit down to check my stuff after putting the kids down to bed, I open up google chrome to a completely blank home page where all of my favorite tabs should be. Big deal right? Well, it should not be a big deal. Except that it is. I LIKE my favorite tabs. It annoys me that they are now gone, and I have absolutely no idea how to bring them back. It is frustrating. And I know that I am not really THAT frustrated about this, that this is only a small problem that is just symptomatic of a much larger problem, but it is literally making me feel crazy tonight.

So what are the real problems here that are really bothering me? Well, there's at least ten of them to be honest. For starters, as a person that inherently does not like change, I have really learned to roll with the punches over the last several years. You don't really have a choice when you decide to have lots of kids...if you want to be happy, you learn to deal with change, and be optimistic and all that. You learn to be patient and to wait for good things to happen, and they do. But somewhere, inside, I like to just have a couple of things that I don't have to change. For example...I like Sam's club. I am not a big Costco fan. I don't care that everybody and their cat LOVES costco, I just like sams. I don't have to change that. I can shop at Sams club forever and never have to change. I think that's AWESOME. I feel the same way about my little google chrome tabs. I really liked that they were my favorites. I know this is so silly as I am typing it, but it still doesn't change that I am so bummed about Bryant somehow deleting everything. I am even chuckling to myself as I am writing this ridiculous post, but it is still the truth. I bet some of you think I need real problems. I actually pride myself in being able to deal quite well with the real problems in life, but I think part of that is because I hold onto these tiny little bits of myself that I feel like I can just leave the same, and when someone messes with them, especially when I am pregnant and had to miss book club, I get ticked off.

In my current situation, I am literally almost never alone. In fact, a lot of the day features someone climbing on me. Any time I sit down, that is a signal for someone to ask me for something. Most of the times when I make dinner there is at least one comment about how gross it is. You have to be pretty tough to make it in this world. I still also have sooooo many aspirations for other factions in my life, but right now, this is the path I have chosen, and this is what I want to be doing. But gal-darn-it I WANT MY @*#&$^& tabs where I %#!*@ left them!
Also, there is currently a crippling fear floating around my brain that having this 4th baby will be too hard, and that my summer is going to be miserable and depressing. I think that kind of puts a damper on things too. I love to flourish and create, and live life to my interpretation of it's fullest potential. I can't do that right now because I am pregnant, and I'm okay with that. This pregnancy I am actually doing pretty fabulously mentally-speaking, and I have a really good feeling about the remainder of my nine months, even though I generally do not enjoy being pregnant. But when the baby is born, I just really don't know what to expect, except that I'll be super tired, and I absolutely hate being tired. I guess in the end I just fear the unknown.

As I'm typing this (I'm totally analyzing myself), I'm realizing that I'm simply coming from a place of fear. I also hate fear. I know we're on this earth to face challenges, to suffer, but also more than anything to experience joy. When I was trying to decide if I should have another baby, I realized that my pregnancy though hard, painful, and uncomfortable, could be a joyful experience, and this new attitude which I did not have with my previous pregnancies has led me to be able to be a happy pregnant person. When I realized that pregnancy did not have to be super-horrible and that I could be happy, the decision was pretty easy, and we are having #4. And for some reason, that simple realization on my part has set a very positive tone for this time around which I can also see reverberating through the rest of my family and especially my spouse! So, I guess it is about time, I decide to be a happy new, tired mom, and realize that maybe it will be possible for me to be happy when the new baby comes. I'll tell you when I get there.

PS. Did you like my little self-exploration there?